PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
