My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
