dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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