Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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