I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
