I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
