Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.