I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.