If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina