my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
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With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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