Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
