I haven't been this sober since birth.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
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I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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