We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
