Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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