Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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