So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I AM VODKA MAN
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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