Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
