So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
