Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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