People in love make me want to vomit
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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