I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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