i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
