You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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