She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
