If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
