the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize