I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
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This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes