"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
only you would photoshop your dick
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.