so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
