i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
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If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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