Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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