I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
