God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
