$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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