I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
