I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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