He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
