Non-Jews are for practice
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just gargled with NyQuil
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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