"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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