Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
