He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!