my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.