Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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