i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
