Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
