If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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