I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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