I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number