I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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