i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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