I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
