please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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