I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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