i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
